And i always end up right back here.. sitting and writing wondering and waiting....It amazes me that the "sound" of the keys typing these words, my words seem to always find peace in my soul..

so be patient with me as im amused with my fingers pressing the keys.. not that anyone reads this anymore but that dosnt even matter it acually never did.

Ive come a long way and the road as been hard but well worth it but i feel like i cheated myself like i should be more than what i turned out to me.. but the fault its mine.

he maded me feel home and feel safe and he is everything i need but the problem is i dont think im ready for home, to feel safe and settled im 18 and living life, making mistakes.. im just not ready and im not asking him to wait.. im not asking for anything anymore.. all i want is for him to know im sorry.

and....(switching topics, do try to keep up )

I miss my friend.. what am i going to do without the one person i could always talk to? im scared of change and scared that im going to change ...

Friends moving to college sucks..

I miss alot of things but i dont want to go back.

Given the fact that this week has been a really bad and really good week for me i just feel like writing... so here i am on my old xanga feeling i need to unload myself (what better place to do it than on xanga?) ha.

Stress with a friend i adore, Stress with college,Stress with my dad having skin cancer, AND being blessed working with amazing kidz at vbs, blessed leading a small group and blessed  finding a wonderful boyfriend that im impressed by.... this week has been full full full...

i guess it was totally silly of me to think moving back to searcy would be wonderful and everything would be normal bc it sure hasnt. i feel like God is changing my pace, my life, my whole world.. and for what? hmm well im not sure yet.

I just feel wrecked....

ive learned we have two choices.. to live in fear or in faith. and though its hard and i somtimes want to ask why me.. i choose to walk in faith knowing God knows why this road.ive learned i live in a very limited perspective and only He knows the whole view.. for that im greatful.

soo Lord i dont understand why or how--BUT ill go where you lead me anyway.

sooo its been a freakin long time since i have updated and since noone reads my xanga anymore i guess it dosnt matter, but i just thought in case anyone still does here are some updates:

Ray got out of prison June2 (he is doing great)

My dad is well, everything is pretty good

I moved back to Searcy June 10th

Church camp was GRREEAT!

I adore my friends.. weather im talking to yoder for 2 hours at the ball parks or on the phone with cody till 2 in the morn... im a lucky girl that God has given me my friends.

Yoder, Lindz and I are starting a bible study with the younger girls..

theres prob. more updates needed but i cant think right now..

LIFE IS GOOD AND IM SOOOOOOOOO IN LOVE WITH GOD! 

summer 06 will be the best!

Remember that the only thing lil about God in your life is how lil you let God use it!

My my space... Marajane88....

Get one (if you dont already have a myspace)

add me, and talk to me...

 xanga is to had to write in everyday...

I use to think that being strong ment

 never losing your self-control

but reallyin all reality being

strong is givng up self-control

 and trusting God when

everything fallsaround

you; You show the strength

 of God through you and

how you handle it.

********************************************

Ray had his parole hearing today. The

 best news ive heard since last June-

Ray Got His Parole!!!!!

He will hopefully be out at the

 latest end of May.Things are s

till really stressful with my

dad and everything

(he isnt doing good at all.)

but for the most part

everything is going good.

*God is good, even when things arnt.*